ME: I believe that there are signs of doomsday while dating before a person gets married, do you agree? If yes, elaborate.
INTERVIEWEE 1: Yes, I feel as though someone you are dating, however way they are while you are dating is how they will end up after you marry. If you find someone who loves to argue and fight then of course that person will not change. The same thing will happen. A lot of people like to sugarcoat it or not see it for really what it is, thinking well, I’m sure once we get married, things will get better. But if it wasn’t good when you were dating then how in the world do you think it will get better when you get married? The issues that you are going through while you are dating then try to work them out. Get counseling. If you feel that you want to spend the rest of your life with that person, at least test the waters out. I think one of my biggest things when I got married the second time was that I did not allow myself to really get to know the person. I just assumed that he was the same way but I know that people change. I found out the hard way. And I did see the signs. I did. I think it was me feeling lonely and I did not want to be alone. And I thought that things would be better, that I could change it. I was very naïve. I thought I could make it better.
ME: Do you believe in the saying that love is blind?
INTERVIEWEE 1: Yes, I think love is blind. If they are taking you through hell, you see it but you are thinking in the back of your mind that things will get better. They can threaten you and you know it’s happening but you are still thinking that it can get better. You choose not to see it. Other people can see things where you can’t. I think you are just hopeful and you want it to be the way in your mind how you always want it to be. And a lot of times, it’s not going to be that way. If you truly love someone and they hurt you, I feel as though if they continue to hurt you then eventually you need to wake up and check out what is going on. Maybe you really don’t want to lose that person. A totally negative relationship is not healthy. Eventually, you will get tired of not being treated right. Once you get tired, love won’t be blind anymore.
ME: I wonder whether love is really blind or such blindness is a lot more powerful or stronger when we are vulnerable, gullible, or naïve.
INTERVIEWEE 1: yes, you are right. You are definitely right on that.
ME: Why do you think young couples have a hard time staying married now compared to the past?
INTERVIEWEE 1: Probably a lot of it might be the fact that they are jumping into situations too quickly. Get to know the person. Really get to know the person. You will know whether it’s someone or relationship that you want to continue on or make it. Everyone is in a hurry to get married without getting to know the individual. I think that has a lot to do with it.
ME: But wait a minute. For people in the past, I don’t think the courtship was that long.
INTERVIEWEE 1: Yeah, I don’t know. The courtship probably took a while. Things were different in the past. My grandmother got married to my grandfather forever and when he passed away, my grandmother did not want to ever get married to anybody. It was just him; he was her love; he was the father of her children. Now, this generation, now I’m sure there are a lot of people out there that has that way of thinking. I don’t know why. Maybe the courtship is not as long.
ME: People get married for days now. I wonder if it’s because the roles have changed from what it used to be in the past where the husband was the breadwinner and he knew what his job was, the wife knew what she was supposed to do. And now, the fact that things have changed so much, it’s like a backlash. The mentality that our generation has is totally different from the older generation. The guys don’t know what they are supposed to do. And the females may be doing too much. And the guys are like wait a minute that’s my place. What advice would you give to a young woman who is dating? What should she watch out for?
INTERVIEWEE 1: Take her time in the relationship. One thing that I feel as though she should watch out for is mainly, just listen. Be watchful of the person you are dating. Like I said don’t be in a rush. Just take your time. Listen to what is going on. Some young men and women may be into dating other people. You will never know unless you are watchful. For example, he probably doesn’t want you to know where he lives and you have been dating for awhile. He only wants to pick you up or meet up somewhere. Or only come to your house. He is very limited on the information that he gives you about himself.
ME: Okay…What are the key elements to a happy and healthy marriage in order to avoid divorce?
INTERVIEWEE 1: Honesty/trust. Communication. Love. Have each other’s back.
ME: It’s interesting that you are the fourth person that I have talked to who has stated trust before love. I wrote a section on this in my book and it’s thought-provoking. I questioned whether I knew what I was talking about, but you all are proving that there is something to this. That a lot of us tend to think that love is number one, even though it’s true that you need some connection or affection to have a truly wholesome relationship. But trust always comes up as the first thing.
INTERVIEWEE 1: Yes, because you would want to trust someone and that’s where the love comes in.
ME: I wonder whether our generation has it backwards. We think that love is the main thing; he loves her and she loves him. I’m curious to know whether that is part of the downfall. It could be that you fall for someone but then there is still a lot of chaotic stuff going on around you but then they would still marry because you love the person. The person could treat you so horribly and he shows that he doesn’t want to be with you but then when asked why you still remain in that relationship, your answer is because I love him.
INTERVIEWEE 1: That’s what I was saying; somewhere down the road you have to decide. How can you love someone you don’t trust? It’s just that the heart is so sensitive. I would want to trust someone and not have to start distrusting. Regaining the trust is hard. That’s the bottom line.
ME: To me, once you have trust, everything else will fall in place. This leads me to my next question: both men and women are carriages in the sense that we carry past burdens to our present; how can that be detrimental to our relationship?
INTERVIEWEE 1: You are bringing in past things; there may be something that triggers a memory and you end up comparing your ex to your beau. That’s not a good thing. You have to work on it. You want to forget whatever bad situation you were in.
ME: I have met quite a few females who have been through a terrible childhood. They are married, yet, it’s almost like they are grown physically but mentally they are still a child. What would you say they should do in such a situation?
INTERVIEWEE 1: I feel that counseling would help. That’s something that you don’t want to keep taking or carrying with you for the rest of your life. You want to let it go and have some closure. Sometimes it’s a situation that will hinder you from getting ahead because you are still dealing with your demons. Talk to someone about it. It heals all wounds.
ME: How important is it to know about your beau’s childhood?
INTERVIEWEE 1: I think it’s very important to get to know each other’s upbringing and childhood. Whether it was a good or a bad childhood.
ME: Is the relationship between the parents and one’s significant other important at all? Could it be indicative of what’s to come in your own marriage?
INTERVIEWEE 1: Yes, getting to know the family, both sides, matters. Certainly, you should want to meet who else knows that person. It’ll tell you something about that individual.
ME: What should young couples do before they commit to someone else?
INTERVIEWEE 1: Get to know each other. Know about each other’s childhood, family. The religious views are something to talk about too.
ME: Is there anything that we ignore or don’t think about that’s important for a lasting relationship?
INTERVIEWEE 1: A lot of people like to tell themselves that it’s gonna get better or try to work it out. Sometimes you might have to get counseling besides just talking it out.
ME: What should couples continue to do after marriage?
INTERVIEWEE 1: Continue to have an open communication. Trust. Any relationship you will have to work at it, especially if it’s someone you want to be with. You will have ups and downs. If you both are working together, that’s good. But if it’s just you then you might have a problem.
ME: We get excited when we are engaged. We want to show off our rock. The hard part comes after we say I do because a lot times the dynamics of the relationship change.
INTERVIEWEE 1: Yeah, you hear you are not the person I thought you were; you are not like you were when we were dating; I don’t even hear you say I love you anymore. Some people get comfortable with their situation and it’s easy to get comfortable. But you could be comfortable and unhappy. You’ve invested so much time that you don’t feel like meeting anyone else. You get too comfortable.
ME: A question just popped up in my head about friendships. You know, you are married now and your husband still hangs out with the single guys. I mean there is nothing wrong with going out once in a while because we all need space and time. But should there be a balance and limit of how much of that goes on once you are married? Or does it not matter?
INTERVIEWEE 1: It does not really matter as long as he or she is not out there picking out women or men like their single friends. I don’t think there is anything wrong with hanging out with your friends and having a good time. I would not put a limit on it. But I would not want you going out every night.
THE END